There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
