dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
