I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Soap is not a condiment
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
