My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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