so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
