i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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