after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
