I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
