He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
