Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
