I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
