I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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