I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
