when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
two words...techno handjob
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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