Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
