You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Let's get the cat blown out
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
