yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
