the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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