oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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