the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
