I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I think I won the penis lottery.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
