the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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