Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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