i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
