Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
