i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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