i wish my penis had a tongue
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
