Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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