I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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