She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
