I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
