my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
