she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
