So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
