i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize