i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
