Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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