My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
