i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
