Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
