I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
