The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
