Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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