I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
