They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
