just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
