hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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