just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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