My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
