what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
