I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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