apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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