How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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