I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
