i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
