This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
