I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
