I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize